For all you sympathetic folks out there who somehow missed the flu epidemic here is a DIY to help you empathize with us.
Step 1 Lungs
Take 1 cup of ground cayenne pepper and put it in a paper bag. Place bag over nose and mouth and breath deeply while whacking the bottom of the bag. Do this until you have inhaled all of the pepper.
This should produce a crackling burning sensation in your lungs with each breath.
Step 2 Chills
Southerners - find a local meat market and rent a meat locker. Sit, sleep and stand in there. In your socks.
Northerners - stand outside. In your socks. You'll know it's time to come out when your teeth start chattering like a chipmunk on crack, and you can't stand w/o holding onto the wall.
Step 3 Muscle fatigue
Do a thousand pushups. Every hour. You'll know you are doing it right when the thought of getting up out of your bed to get a drink is scarier than skydiving. With a homemade parachute. Made from your grannies nightgown.
Step 4 Cough
Mix up some concrete and drink it. Now hack and wheeze and get it all back up. Don't worry about the flecks of red. That is just your lung tissue. They say it'll grow back.
Step 5 Eyes
Juice an onion. Bathe your peepers w an eyedropper every 15 min.
Step 6 Throat
Gargle with gasoline. Kerosene will work too. Now swallow a lit match. This is going to enhance your swallowing for the next week. A. Lot.
Step 7 Sleeping
Get some speed. And some knock-you-out meds. Take them BOTH at the same time and let them fight it out. You won't be able to when you want to, due to cough. And you won't be able to keep FROM it when someone needs you, due to fatigue. I logged in 18 hours yesterday.
Step 9 Body Ache
Zip yourself up in a sleeping bag. Let someone who doesn't like you much beat the WHAMMMMM out of you with a baseball bat. IF you happen to be one of THOSE people whom everyone likes, roll down some stairs. The local library should have a good set. Do it at least 25 times.
Step 10 Fever
Get a blow torch, or heat tool and cozy on up to it. Or stick a hot curling iron up your nose holes. It won't be exactly what we are feeling, but you'll get a wee taste.
The real flu will FOOOL ya, just when you think you are better, BAMMMMM it's baaaaaaack. You may want to whip up enough for at least 10 days.
