Faux Flu DIY

For all you sympathetic folks out there who somehow missed the flu epidemic here is a DIY to help you empathize  with us.

Step 1 Lungs
Take 1 cup of ground cayenne pepper and put it in a paper bag.  Place bag over nose and mouth and breath deeply while whacking the bottom of the bag.  Do this until you have inhaled all of the pepper.

This should produce a crackling burning sensation in your lungs with each breath.

Step 2 Chills
Southerners - find a local meat market and rent a meat locker.  Sit, sleep and stand in there.  In your socks.
Northerners - stand outside. In your socks.  You'll know it's time to come out when your teeth start chattering like a chipmunk on crack, and you can't stand w/o  holding onto the wall.

Step 3 Muscle fatigue
Do a thousand pushups. Every hour.  You'll know you are doing it right when the thought of getting up out of your bed to get a drink is scarier than skydiving.  With a homemade parachute.  Made from your grannies nightgown.

Step 4 Cough
Mix up some concrete and drink it.  Now hack and wheeze and get it all back up.  Don't worry about the flecks of red.  That is just your lung tissue.  They say it'll grow back.

Step 5 Eyes
Juice an onion.  Bathe your peepers w an eyedropper every 15 min.

Step 6 Throat
Gargle with gasoline.  Kerosene will work too.  Now swallow a lit match.  This is going to enhance your swallowing for the next week.  A. Lot.

Step 7 Sleeping
Get some speed.  And some knock-you-out meds.  Take them BOTH at the same time and let them fight it out.  You won't be able to when you want to, due to cough.  And you won't be able to keep FROM it when someone needs you, due to fatigue.  I logged in 18 hours yesterday.

Step 9 Body Ache
Zip yourself up in a sleeping bag.  Let someone who doesn't like you much beat the WHAMMMMM out of you with a baseball bat.  IF you happen to be one of THOSE people whom everyone likes, roll down some stairs.  The local library should have a good set.  Do it at least 25 times.

Step 10 Fever
Get a blow torch, or heat tool and cozy on up to it.  Or stick a hot curling iron up your nose holes.  It won't be exactly what we are feeling, but you'll get a wee taste.

The real flu will FOOOL ya, just when you think you are better, BAMMMMM it's baaaaaaack.  You may want to whip up enough for at least 10 days.

Make James Happy Potato Soup

Bacon and sausage are RARE inclusions in our home, reserved for vacation, Christmas morning and birthdays when requested.  However, I leapt off the No Processed Meat wagon last year (for one month) due to my son's injury.  

Since food and his pain meds were his ONLY source of happiness at the time, I obliged him by giving him what ever his little heart desired.  Thus this concoction, consisting of his favorite flavors.  

BEWARE, it is NOT for the faint of heart.  

It is so rich, it may get up and 

walk itself right over to the table.  

In fact, if you even whisper the words "Low Fat" 

it may jump right out of the bowl and slap you silly.  

You have been warned.

This makes a BIG pot, so there are 

plenty of leftovers for later on.

To Get 

3 boxes of Chicken Stock

1 package Jimmy Dean sausage (or ground beef/turkey)

1 lb. of bacon (or more)

1 bag/box of melty cheese 

Velveta will work - or any cheese that melts smoothly

1 container of heavy cream 

Also called heavy whipping cream, you could use half/half if you want to be stingy with your fat grams.

1 red onion

1 sweet onion

1 yellow onion

2 stalks celery

3 lbs Yukon Gold potatoes

1 stick of REAL butter

sprinkle of black pepper

To Do

Fry up bacon (reserve 6 spoons of the melted goodness)

Go ahead and eat half of the bacon as you are cooking, it helps the time go quicker and is the DUE of the cook, save the other half to sprinkle on top of soup later. 

Cut up the onions & celery stalks and sauté them in the melted bacony goodness.  Set aside.

Brown the sausage (or ground beef) drain.

Pour the 2 boxes of broth in your soup pot (or dutch oven)

Cube the potatoes, rinse them and plop those babies in the broth bath.  

Put in the onions & celery, sausage (or ground beef)

Simmer this until potatoes are tender.

Melt 1/2 stick of butter (please use real butter, the other stuff is plastic junk) and cook the flour to make a pale blond roux. (About 20  min of stirring) 

If you have never made a roux, it is absolutely the BEST thickner you will EVER taste.  Believe me, you WANT to learn how to do this!

 See exactly here, photos and all.

(http://www.thekitchn.com/building-blocks-how-to-make-a-53522)

Roux making video here.

Add in enough of the 3rd box broth (gradually) to your roux until it is gravy like.  Add this to your pot where the first 2 boxes of broth are simmering.

Add melty cheese and simmer (do not boil)  until it is all melted.

Add in the room temp heavy cream (or half/half)

Taste, and add in salt/pepper as necessary.

When you ladle into bowls, sprinkle grated cheese on top and sprinkle bacon on top.

NOTE: 

You can leave out the cheese and heavy cream 

if you are going to have this often, 

or for a non-special occasion.  

It is still yummy, 

but it is merely a peck on the cheek 

from your brother 

as opposed to a melting kiss 

from your Honey Pie.

  

So you choose what suits you best.

Well Dressed Servants

Everyone was born to do something well.

Some find their calling, others never do.

Thankfully I learned mine early on.

I am called 

to be good

to servants.

It's a job I take very seriously.  
A well maintained staff is a happy staff.

Kirby - she takes care of my floors.

The WP twins who take care of our laundry.

Teriffic Trane - he keeps my house cool in summer.
Vivacious Viking - she seams our curtains, clothing.

Beautiful Betty Bosch - she mixes our bread dough.
Com Ed - who is leased monthly. He oversees all the others.

And Plain Jane, my Kitchen Aid mixer.  

I purchased her at a garage sale for $50 

9 years ago.

She has been a well behaved, dependable servant.
Never giving me any lip 
when I ask her 
to whip up tree-bark-and-gravel 
(whole wheat)
 muffins one day
and clog-ya-heart-right-up
buttercream frosting the next.

She had been getting 
a little blue (wink) 

after seeing this custom outfit

 worn by one of her cousins over at 
The Pioneer Woman.

Now I do hate to see such a fine servant 

pining for something pretty to wear;

so I contacted Sweet Sarah over at Olive Tree Works

and told her the sad, sad story of Plain Jane.

I explained that 

Plain Jane was born a cookie cutter 

"There are a million just like me"

but is a actually a one-of-a-kind-hippy-girl at heart.

Sweet Sarah understood perfectly and 

designed something just for her!

Left Side

Right Side

Now Pulchritudinous Jaynne 
(the artist formerly known as Plain Jane)
feels like she has finally
earned her stripes.


You know how it is though, 
if you get something for one
the others start looking wistful.


I think I may be calling 
Sweet Sarah again soon.
Wouldn't the fridge look lovely 
in some pearls and lace?

  

LIM vs MIM DIY liquid soap

There are two kinds of people in the world

LIMS 

(less is more)

and 

MIMS

 (more is more) 

LIMS 

(poor deluded souls they) 

 skimp by with one pat of butter on their toast.

You often hear them saying (terrible) things like

"No, I think I'll skip the whip cream on top"

and 

(worse still) 

"Skim milk please".

 MIMS 

(happy souls are we)

realize that we are going to be dead 

a LONG time

and that one can never 

TRULY 

be too rich 

(as in flavor)

or have too much volume 

in ones hair.

I have friends, LIMS, 

who I am certain are good people.

They make life sooo much easier for me

since when we shop/eat together 

(due to their restraint)

there is 

always

more for me.

Rarely do MIMS and LIMS agree

but here

today

they can!

Can't you just feel the 

spirit of brotherly love filling the room?

"How?"

you ask

So glad you did.

Observe:

2 bars soap - 8 oz total

(4 bars for $3 at the health food store)

grated

added to one gallon of boiling water

plus 

2 TBSP liquid glycerin (drug store or grocery store)

Stir together into a soapy soupy mixture.

Let it sit about 10 hours.

It will look goopy and slimy

 so stir, stir, stir.

I used my immersion handheld blender 

to mooch it up.

I also added in 20 drops of 

peppermint oil,

after it had cooled,

for a clean yummy smell.

Pour into your gallon jug 

Fill the liquid dispensers in your house 

and do the happy dance every time you wash

 Mr. Nasty Germ and his buddies off your hands.

HAPPY HAPPY DAY

the MIMS are happy

more soap is better right?

The LIMS are happy

less hard earned dollars

 spent on liquid soap

is better right?

TADA!  

You have just saved yourself a 

whollop of moola.  

More is more people rejoice.

Less is more people rejoice!

MIMS and LIMS 

for 

once

agree.

I might even get some kind of peace prize for this.

Next up,

world peace.

********

Give credit where credit is due:

I learned this handy dandy little diddy of a recipe

here;

she has lovely photos of the whole process.

Doodle Bug Boots

I have been drooling over cowboy boots lately.  

Not the stomp-in-the-pasture-through-the-muck cowboy boots, 

no thank you, 

I am drooling over the girly-girl kind.  

Like these

Ahhhh, yes.

These lovely Lucchese boots (zappos.com) can be mine for the bargain price of $499.

No, I did not forget to put the decimal point in the right place.  

Four. Hundred. And. Ninety. Nine. 

DOLLARS.

I guess they were made from the hide of a sacred cow

tanned with the gums of identical twin toothless infants

and stitched with threads made from 

albino unicorn hide.

Why else the price?

  Or these little darlings

Yes indeedie, 

these Old Gringo babies can be purchased for for a mere $514.50

You just gotta love that they added in that 50 cents on the end.  

Every penny counts right?

I've been scouring the thrift stores and Goodwill

hoping that some cowgirl wanna-be purchased a pair

to impress some guy

then lost interest

and is shucking the boots 

along with Mr. Uh-uhhh.

So far, 

no such shucking 

going on 'round here.

I did, however, find these.

$3 at the thrift store.

What a deal.

Remembering my 

Coldwater Creek leather jacket experiment

I grabbed my trusty-rusty black sharpie marker 

and set to work.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that 

all that doodling

won't pay off.

It just might.

 I thought it needed a liiiiiittle bit more.

After all,

more is better.

Always.

And a few whiles later

taaa-daaaaaa

So if you have been a'hankering 

(that is red-neck for smitten with desire)

Grab your little self a sharpie

and get to work.

OR....

if you have some lovely, unwanted cowboy boots

give me a holler and I'll

take those puppies off your hands.

Mr. Uh-uhhhh

you'll have to shuck yourself.

Mama Rachel's Fat & Sassy Velvety Vanilla Liquid Love Hot Chocolate Mix

Mama Rachel's 

Fat & Sassy Velvety Vanilla 

Hot Chocolate Mix

aka

Liquid Love

WARNING ~ you may get fat just reading this recipe.

If you stumbled here looking for a healthy, 

slim, or otherwise lite version, 

you are in the WRONG place.

There are things that you should/can skimp calories on.  

Hot chocolate is not one of them.  

Living where it is bone freezing cold many days of the year, 

hot chocolate, 

 is one of our winter necessities.

My version of an old favorite recipe

(or Liquid Love as I like to call it)

is guaranteed to slap a smile on the most

winter weary of faces,

warm up the most frozen of fingers

and ease cranky children into bed 

with a gentle nudge.

I'm not one for doing things fifty-million times, 

so big batches are better, 

for me.

I have experimented with this recipe, 

and YES I do realize it calls for 

waaaaay more goodies

than it absolutely has to have

but then again, 

when it comes to cream, flavor and all around yumminess,

more

 is

 better.

Ok, so enough of my yammering.  

Here is the how-to.

~~~~

A Jar

Mason Jars, Spaghetti Sauce jars, 

Miracle whip jars,

any 'ol jar/container with a lid will do.

If you decide to share

simply 

wrap your jar with a ribbon

and spread the love.

Warning, this is as addictive as liquid crack

and sharing is SURE to have someone 

knocking on your door in the middle of the night

wanting more.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

~~~~~

The Goodies

Dry milk (25 oz)

1.5 cups powdered sugar

1.5 cups Vanilla powdered coffee creamer

2 cups powdered coffee creamer (unflavored)

2 boxes chocolate pudding mix

1 box vanilla pudding mix

1.5 cups coco powder 

~~~~~

The Mess

It is going to be messy.

You WILL have powdered sugar and coco

in your nose.

Sift your sugar and coco.

Otherwise there will be lumps

OR

pour it all together and then run it 

2 cups at a time through the 

blender. 

It should look like this when it is properly

unlumped.

~~~~~~

Nestle in a spoon and

VIOLA

you are ready for some

Liquid Love

To Make

We warm our milk (whole please) in the microwave 

until piping hot

add a generous, 

piled up as high as you can get it, 

running over

honking big scoop full.

Stir.

Sip.

Moan with delight.

Repeat tomorrow.

Add in's

*

I add a pinch of cayenne pepper to mine

it warms you right up

inside and out.

*

At Thanksgiving I add in a tablespoon of 

pureed pumpkin per cup and a dash of McCormick pumpkin pie seasoning.

*

At Christmas time I add a teaspoon of crushed up peppermints per cup.

*

Honey Pie likes his w a spoon of Vanilla.

*

Lincoln Log likes his with floating clouds,

you may know them as

marshmallows. 

*

On special days

we make it 

(I can't even type this with a straight face) 

with 

half & half.

And when reeeeeally skinny people

come over

they get  

theirs made with

heavy 

cream.

~~~~

Last but not least

here is a snapshot of 

Liquid Love

and

her sister

Oatmeal Bliss.

Think liquid oatmeal cookies in a bowl

for breakfast.

Or a before bed snack.

Yum!

Boutique Cake Domes

As previously mentioned, I suffer from HE.

 Heirloom Envy.

You know... 

the longing for old fashioned things

lovingly used and passed on.

***

I soothe my inner ache for handed downs 

by making my own

both to use 

and to pass down 

to 

Baby Girl 

and 

my 3 

someday daughters.

***

Since there are going to be 

4 girls 

to pass on goodies to, 

I have AMPLE reason to 

make a lot of them!

Who will may love them too.

***

Here is the newest one in our collection.

One Goodwill Cake Dome with flat top

$1.99

Possible tops from the button collection,

cut from vintage clothing from Garage Sales.

The Winner

Several generous dollops of waterproof glue

(E-6000)

Wait 24 hours 

and 

TA-DAAA

instant heirloom

See my tutorial to make the cake stands here